Health & Wellness

[WHOSE THIS GUY?]
So I’m 20, Junior at a large university, sitting in my quiet apartment style dorm room Right now I have one friend that I see on average once every two weeks on the weekend for ~half a day. This isn’t surprising at all considering I haven’t had more than maybe three friends at a time throughout my life. Acquaintances are all I make now, even my ‘friends’ aren’t much more than that. I’ve been a shy kid with social anxiety, still am to some extent, but since I haven’t been anything else all my life, I don’t really have anything to ‘return to.’ [INTERNAL CONFLICT AND MY 'NORMAL'] One side of me wants to be social like everyone else on campus, but, thanks in part to the social anxiety and related factors, it is much easier for me to be a loner. It works out fine on weekdays when I have a regimented schedule to keep up, and I work part time at the school’s Helpdesk on weekdays, which gives me some chance to talk, even though most of it is work/academic-related (I make it that way, but better that than nothing for conversation with coworkers and patrons). [THE PROBLEM] But then Friday comes around. I have no class, nothing to do at all except homework and strategically figure out when to go get food from the campus center in the hopes of not returning the next day for more. This is because I get resentful and melancholy every day I have to finally leave my room for food and see everyone hanging out with friends in the campus center. I want to be more like them but everything else about me simply isn’t on the same page. Some combination of being a loner, recluse since my first years and inexperienced socially and at life. It’s *very* difficult to maintain my confidence and self-image as a loner, but it’s not as low as it used to be at least. Not to mention the semi-permanent numbing effect the lack of stimulation has on your brain!! Hate it, makes it even more difficult to hold conversations when you can’t remember obvious things/words/people. [TRY EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES?] With regards to extracurricular activity, it was all things I disliked that I would tolerate in the hopes of making a connection with somebody. I’ve been a member of the Fencing club freshmen year. Volunteered one time cleaning streets with members from a gated ’scholars volunteer’ type club, and my mom forced me into attending two Hillel events (I hate religion). At best, I developed one friendship (the one I see now once every 2 weeks) and a handful of acquaintances from all these activities. And when I’m at home over the summer I might visit the animal shelter with my dad to walk dogs. Pretty lame. So I spend my days on the internet (nytimes, offtopic forums from a PC game I used to play, music equipment forums, facebook spying) and watching tv… Besides loving animals (because humans haven’t been cutting it, too bad I can’t have any substantial pet here) I have a list of interests that require no more than me staring at a screen, be it my laptop or tv, essentially. [GOT A HELPING FAMILY?] Not sure if I should go this route, but I’ve grown up in a family of 5 that should have been split up some 15 years ago. Compared to those social recluses I’m the most ‘normal’, but as far as being an engaged member of society I’m still far from it. [SEEN A PSYCHOLOGIST?]
FYI, I’ve been through 1 social worker, 4 psychologists and 1 psychiatrist starting Junior year of HS. (zoloft for ~10 months senior year of highschool, I think I grew resistant to it towards the end but it made me artificially happy and much less nervous. My mother whose a helicopter parent is extremely against drugs like that so I couldn’t get on it again during my college time thus far, though I’m not sure how beneficial it would be anyways) I probably didn’t follow their instructions too well as far as making friends go (if you can even call them instructions, soo abstract imo), but they probably helped stabilize my toxic self-image thoughts somewhat. If I don’t get much information here at least I finally put these problems into text for some other forum. So what do y’all think? I know this was a very long read, categorized it so you could skip to whatever. Thanks in advance to anyone willing to put a few words down for me!